


to be together (if i can't go near you)

by ridoma (Diminuendo)



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Depression, Low Self Esteem, M/M, asshole!mayuzumi, dark themes, five different drabbles or scenes i guess, implied depression, is there a word for being disgusted of oneself?? well that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-26
Updated: 2015-10-26
Packaged: 2018-04-28 04:54:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5078542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diminuendo/pseuds/ridoma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four times, Mayuzumi and Reo only find hatred. The fifth time, they do not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	to be together (if i can't go near you)

By a clear pond, Reo’s head rested against Mayuzumi’s shoulder. The warm wind blew and caught in their hair while the grass tickled their exposed ankles.

Whatever demons that they had were well buried deep in the ground. Leaving only their humanity and bare skin to face each other.

Reo’s hands would grasp Mayuzumi’s and he found comfort in the silver haired man. His self hatred would no longer bring ugly scars to his skin, no longer would cause his hair to fall out and he could finally breath. Words wouldn’t leech onto his tear ducts anymore and his hands would no longer grasp for something numbing. The birth which had produced him is more than an attempt at reproduction.

As Reo looked at the transitioning colours of sky, he could feel the sun’s marks left soft on his lips. Gentle fingers ran across his lips, stopped at the corners and he turned his head and smiled.

What Reo gave Mayuzumi in return was something more delicate, something abused by others and something so very valuable. The belief that humans were something more footsteps being taken over and over again. Reo gave the organ in his chest a reason to beat; life. Before Reo, Mayuzumi could successfully write a testimony to the fact that life was unimportant and that everyone was simply distracting themselves from death. After Reo, Mayuzumi found it hard not to partake in human emotion.

The fifth time, they had pressed their palms together and breathed in each other’s scents. They found peace in each other, not pain.

\--

The second time it was Reo, desperate and sweaty. He felt like a wreck, all betrayed and his guts churned on the inside. He smiled bitterly at the mirror _, it was only expected_ , he thought. _I had no place as a servant in a world ruled by kings and queens._ Even Kiyoshi, a bitter friend, had met an end in his chain of basketball. It made Reo cringe, that small brained Hayama and Nebuya were the most successful—mentally—in this match.

To knuckle down to someone who plucked at their violin strings the same way they did with people’s hearts was so naïve of him. Stupid, delusional and so, so desperate. The boy was nothing more than an isolated prodigy with a castle of sand. Nothing more, he who conquered everything but his own mind; pathetic. The sheep that followed a crow into the lion’s den; also pathetic.

God forbid though, that the small, breakable moth guide the crow and its flock of sheep back into the safe farmlands.

  _Oh, but oh because Mayuzumi is anything but breakable_ , he realized. It was himself who was made out of the fragile rose petals, wasn’t it? If Mayuzumi was the moss that would spread, Reo was the rose that would rot.

Ironic; the rats live better than the swans.

Yet. Yet the hair, the eyes--Mayuzumi himself was not a rat. Yes, the greys and the whites, they were not the equivalent of something dirty. The black hair, his black eyes— _I was the dirty one._

_Oh, oh. Stupid little, me. I only seeked happiness but I ended fucking myself and getting cursed and stupid Mayuzumi who—_

Saved me?

He stared at the mirror, felt his eyes water and his mouth morph into something painful

\--

The third time was not so disconnected with the second. Reo was feeling a bit less dirty, a bit less disgusting around Mayuzumi so he thought, _why not go visit him? Why not remind yourself of the positioning of the world once again_? There was nothing wrong about going near the person who made feel like what you really are. Right?

Mayuzumi’s courage and realization of what Rakuzan had founded itself on; it was there. It communicated itself through his words and Reo turned blind eyes so why _not_? Why not cower about how stupid and how superior Mayuzumi was. That all his tricks didn’t matter because he didn’t have the skill to apply it and why not—

“Mayuzumi-kun, you should visit us more _.”_

_No, oh do not. What would you know? That false happiness, something that felt sweet against my tongue, was beautiful while it was there. The unity, the pronouns, the motivation, the feeling of closeness. I was human, wasn’t I? To crave the cinemas, to bring them to my own world. Shouldn’t I be allowed to be feel human?_

_No. No I am not because I deluded myself and I should’ve sacrificed myself for the team and I shouldn’t have let Akashi wreck us. I am not redeemable,_ Reo thought, with his brain in a constant clash. He was locked deep in his mind, thinking about his place, about how going near Mayuzumi only made him feel worse and if he should (could) forgive himself. 

“ _W_ hy? To watch you sneer?” his voice brought Reo back to reality--no, no and no. This was becoming a habit, relying on Mayuzumi to ground himself to keep himself from becoming a fool, _no!_ Leave this world, go to hell just let Reo feel a bit of superiority in a world where he had no purpose in.

Mayuzumi could not care for Reo, in fact, he never would. Yet Reo created and planted a dependence into Mayuzumi that could lead him off a cliff. It was dangerous; disarming; irresponsible and desperate. It made Reo vulnerable to everything Mayuzumi said.

As Reo looked at Mayuzumi, he could feel everything shatter. He scrunched his eyebrows—to block out the sun and felt his hands go sweaty. His mouth, he could feel it forming ugly crinkles, ready to take on the crying shape that was more pitiful than anything. He felt sticky and a ball tightened at the back of Reo’s throat, ready to be released. His eyesight flickered from excellent to blurry in coordination with him pressing back his tears, which burned at his eyes.

In this moment, he could feel himself weaken in the presence of Mayuzumi. His horrible mental and physical condition gave him no last resort to fall back on. His weaknesses forced him into facing fears and a life that he wasn’t ready to take on. The confrontation at this very moment began peeling layers of skin off his very own face and exposed the inner flesh.

“You’re on the verge of tears,” Mayuzumi noted, his voice uncaring, “Perhaps you should leave.”

Reo pressed his lips into a thin line, breathed and attempted for one last chance for redemption. “You’re right, I should. I’m sorry for bothering you, I don’t know what’s come over me.” He wrapped his arms around his body, “Perhaps if you were to let me visit another time I wouldn’t be so disorganized. Well,” he gazed at Mayuzumi, who shot bored eyes at him.

He smiled grimly, his eyes failing the emotion on his lips, “I guess I’ll be going.” A swift turn on the heel with the realization of his eternal need for redemption and Reo began walking. Only for three seconds because Mayuzumi’s quick hand managed to grab Reo’s shoulder.

“I’m willing to drive us anyplace that isn’t too crowded so your attention on me doesn’t get fucked up. Also because you attract the perverts.”

Chihiro pierced Reo’s midnight sky of hair and landed on his soft moon like skin. He let the pads of his fingers brush at the nape, “As an adult, I shouldn’t be letting a minor walk alone.”

Reo licked his lips and for an hour, he didn’t felt so dirty anymore. Knowing he was worthy of _his_ company. That perhaps the position of the world wasn’t so cruel and the unimportant (weak, brainwashed) fools could also live somehow. Maybe that type of life would entail him to constantly run back to Mayuzumi and feel himself break but—

If that was his only form of repent, then he would gladly accept such a life.

He said that to himself thirty minutes before he broke down again, accused himself of only being whole of weakness and picked at his arm scabs.

\--

The fourth time, it was finally Mayuzumi who started noticing Reo’s fading hair and his hollow cheeks. The fourth time was also fairly quick because Mayuzumi’s observation was not something to fool with. He was a bit dumbfounded at Reo’s decaying state but was more surprised and mostly: _why?_

Reo is—was?—someone who could take life and snap it by the neck. He isn’t someone that’s emotional vulnerable and he has his shit straight. Maybe it’s not an emotional thing though. Maybe he decided to loose weight or maybe it is an emotional thing and Mayuzumi should do something before it gets out of hand.

At this he did a bitter laugh, in the sanctuary of his lifeless room.

What form of help could manifest from him, anyways?  He can’t empathize, he’s selfish and angry and too ‘heartless.’ The most he can do is to tell Reo to get over it and suck it up because life is hard.  He doubts he could help Reo and Reo probably wouldn’t open up in the first place, anyways.

He's nothing different from the average human.

Mayuzumi set the book he was reading on his stomach and stared at the ceiling. Yet, if there was a small chance he could help Reo— _should I? I don’t expect anything but, you, you! Would you let me? Would my observations break you even more? How do I help you? Will I? Can you let me..? I—do I want to?_

_Do I, Mayuzumi Chihiro, want to help Reo out of this dangerous mental state? Will I put forth the effort into it? Can I?_

_Would I?_

He sat up, his book rolling into his lap and he looked at the ceiling. He then looked down at his book, at the frayed edges, at the stains from years of borrowing and then finally decided to focus on the title: _Amber and Loli, their Forest Songs._

(Amber and Loli, the main characters, were two twins ‘blessed’ with the powers of the seasons. Amber was in charge of Autumn—the decaying leaves, the temperature and the animals. While Loli had spring—life, the temperature and animals. She was Amber’s counterpart, her other and her balance. Amber was not Loli’s other, though. Amber was not even worthy of the title temporary, or replacement. To Loli, Amber was nothing.

Amber was always so incredibly sad because her sheer aura could make other plants rot. But, with Loli in tow, she was balanced out and could maintain life in the forest. The catch is, Loli doesn’t need Amber; she’s staying with her out of kindness. Loli is free to leave the forest and never return.  

Loli does end up fleeing; she falls in love with winter himself. Winter gets Loli to leave and—the end. Amber is left to live in her tree trunks forever and Loli never returns.

It made Mayuzumi frown.)

_Yes, yes I would. I would do it now, because I didn’t do it before._

_\--_

The first time one of them thought ‘I love you,’ it was a cloudy day and autumn weather was foreshadowing itself behind clouds of summer. Soft winds, transitioning leaves, purples and browns and the faint joy of Hallowe’en. It was when Mayuzumi was still with the team, when Akashi lived in the crevices of his mind and when Reo was still faking his respect.

The team had agreed on going on some kind of picnic together to commemorate the changing seasons. Mayuzumi found no reason to participate, this sense of being a ‘team’ was contrived and the falseness of the atmosphere made it hard to breath. Mayuzumi thought it was stupid, that Hayama is brainwashed, that Nebuya is an idiot, that Akashi is a suspicious piece of crap and Reo does nothing but kiss the pretty words. This whole concept of working together seemed so distant in a world like this, in Rakuzan, with Akashi. It seemed so far away that thinking about it—no, seeing it—made Mayuzumi think he was witnessing some kind of movie.

It also made some mutual confusion arise between the players of Rakuzan: How?

Mayuzumi however, didn’t ponder on this question for too long because the concept of a team felt too unrealistic. He never bothered with things like that, after all, he only played for himself and his own pleasure. Also, the grieving of something that was never there seemed illogical. So did celebrating something that was never there; he never commented on it.

People were disgusting, in Mayuzumi’s opinion. So repetitive and obvious—full of hidden intent and want. Everyone was an example of a failed society that continues to only do wrong and justify it in the end. Even the greatest men would have sins which they’d refuse to admit to. As Mayuzumi gazed at the sky, he did a sly smile. That’s right. This was the same, this false sense of unity under sport. Everyone only plays for themselves, it’s a universal fact. Why cloak it and speak of concepts you could never know of?

Yet, yet. When Reo walked over, his eyelashes spider webs with droplets of light, his hair strands of platinum and a smile of cherries, Mayuzumi thought back. That maybe, perhaps, all this time, he had a team to fall on. Or maybe he could pretend just like Reo. But then, an even more complex question had arisen: Was Reo faking his devotion to Akashi?

He didn’t ponder too long on that thought, either.

**Author's Note:**

> thats about it tbh. also dedicated to my amazing friend [Sidra](http://moriizuki.tumblr.com/), bc it was her birthday yesterday and her otp is mayumibu and she cant stop sniffing reo's hair.  
> stop sniffing reo's hair sidra.


End file.
